Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Coffee Talk With Felicia

I live with a MONSTAH!  

Think Ouiser Boudreaux, Truvy Jones, and M'Lynn Eatenton, Shelby Eatenton, and Clairee Belcher possessin' the same peri-menopausal body!  This chic is legit!

It's like Southern-style Poltergeist up in my world, with the head spinning and all that jazz! I mean, I am just a BOOT!  I get walked on every. single. day {And this mistress ain't no light weight if ya know what I mean! I told her last week when she was stuffing that free chocolate silk pie down her throat, "Uh, huh! That there gon' come back to haunt cha!" And sure nuff!  All I heard the rest of the night was, "Awwwwwww!  I shouldn't have eaten that pie!  My stomach is killing me!"}!

I know she tol' y'all that I'm a party pooper and I don't like to socialize with her friends.  Well, DANG!  If you had to carry all that weight around on that right foot evah day, you'd be calling it a day early, too!  I mean, seriously!  It's not like I could have enjoyed a cosmo, too!  If I'd been there, I'd be chanting, bring me mo, mo, MO!  Understand?  Forget the 'cos,' bring me the 'mo.'  Y'all don't know how bad I needed a drink that very day!

Bet she ain't tol' y'all she named her crutches, 'Tooty' and 'Fruity,' has she? Yep! They 'fruity' alright!  Y'all shoulda seen how fast she had those two running when she got caught in that rain storm the other night trying to walk out of a store!  I was praying the whole time, "Lawd, PLEASE give me and Tuity and Fruitty the strength to make it to the car! PLEASE don't let this woman fall out here in the parking lot in front of e'rybody!" I mean, for real!  I work alone. I don't need no partner on the other foot, knowwhatImean?

This lady can't clean, she can't cook, she can't take the dog out, she can't wash clothes!...what CAN she do?  This lady needs some DRUGS and I ain't talking them "'sensual oils," she's been telling y'all 'bout, either! I mean drugs with a capital D. Prozac.  Xanax.  Wine.  Lots and lots of wine. She's crazy with a southern accent!

Oh, she can wear me out just walking around the house barking orders to er'body! "Wayne, please bring me my Diet Coke.  Alise, please bring me my phone.  Has anyone seen my ipad?  Wayne, you need to wrap my ankle.  Alise! Get yo' a$$ in the bed!!"  Ha ha!  Now THAT'S a good one!  All Monstah's gotta do is throw out a few choice words and er'body starts hopping! But those frozen bag of peas?  Lawd, when she goes to hollering for those bags of peas, I wanna holler, "Thank you, Jesus!" My day is over because I know she'll be ripping me off with a vengence, to get her big, fat, ugly, ol' ankle elevated and iced in Mr. Wayne's nice recliner right in front of that big, ol' TV.  I don't think he likes switching places with her that much, either.

Look, I just try to mind my own business.  I just sleep over in the corner of the bedroom when I'm not carrying around all that hot weight. I think I finally convinced this Monstah to wear dresses to work.  Me and pants just don't jive, ya know?  Too much material to deal with.  So then she gets all huffy saying she'll hafta shave her legs every night.  I said, "Lady, ain't nobody looking at you in yo boot and they certainly ain't looking at yo legs."  Yea, that didn't go over too well. Next morning, she's spraying the you-know-what out of a big can of sexy som'thing on her hair and repeating to herself, "Big hair means closer to God. Big hair means closer to God."  If I had a dollar for e'rey morning I hafta hear that, I'd be RICH!  I wouldn't NEED to work!

So next time Monstah posts a picture of me "photo bombing" on Instagram or writes mean and hateful things 'bout me on this here blog, y'all just remember ONE THANG!


i wish i was felicia! she's always going somewhere

Haters gonna hate!  I'M the one going places!  Not her!  Not the Monstah! At least not with MY help, she ain't! I know, breaking tendons and ligaments...ain't no JOY to be found in that!  'Specially when you gotta peri-menopausal Monstah to go with it!  So y'all be praying for a fast recovery for Monstah so I can get the heck out of her crazy world!

NOTE: A special thank you to my Instagram friend, Jessica, for sending me this picture last Friday {This is Laura talking, now, by the way!  I've "reclaimed" the blog!}! When I saw it, I nearly fell out of my chair and although I had already started Felicia's monologue, I knew I had to include it in the post! It was perfect! Thanks, Jessica! And if you would like to hear MY SIDE OF THE STORY, just click on the link!

Today I'm linking up with all the peeps over at All Kind of Things for Tuesday Talk!  Join us!

17 comments:

  1. Hiliarious, I visualized actually sitting listening to this. I can picture a face. Absolutely funny, my first laugh of the day. See you at Tuesday Talk - remember to see your shout out at Grammie Time today.

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    1. Glad I could make someone laugh today, Michelle! And thanks again for the shout out today!

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  2. I think I just peed myself a little bit! This is hilarious! Glad I got to know Felicia a little better--she's got a great sense of humor and anytime any of the girls from Steel Magnolias come into play, you know I'm gonna listen. :) Great post girl!

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  3. You are cracking me up!! This is hilarious friend. Glad you are taking it all in stride and keeping a positive attitude!

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    1. I'm trying, Girl! "Trying" being the key word!

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  4. Haha! Too funny! Positive attitudes always help!

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    1. Thanks, Christina! You are so right and I'm trying my best to keep one! Enjoy your Tuesday!

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  5. This is hilarious. I'm hoping you can heal up quickly!!!

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  6. Oh, my goodness, Laura, you have all the makings of a great author or a stand up comedian. :o))) Can't wait to read Felicia's next post. I'll be waiting with "baited breath."

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  7. This is too funny! "Felicia" is hysterical!

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  8. LOL I needed this, cute/funny/laughing!

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  9. You are cracking me UP!

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    1. Glad I could make you laugh!

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  10. Oh my goodness! I almost peed my pants, girl! You are hilarious! Thanks for the giggle!!!

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    1. Glad you giggled, Holly! Thanks for stopping by! Happy 4th of July!

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  11. Oh my goodness! I almost peed my pants, girl! You are hilarious! Thanks for the giggle!!!

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  12. HAHA! This is hilarious - I can tell that we would instantly be friends. 1. You opened with Steel Magnolias 2. You are funny 3. You referenced wine. So glad to meet you through Shelly at our link-up today!

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