Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Be My Guest ~ Confessions of a Semi-Slacker Mom

Hey y’all! I’m Laura’s Georgia friend, Tracy, from Confessions of a Semi-Slacker Mom Blog, which has been on hiatus since like 2016. Facebook turned me into a totally slacker blogger. Ninety percent of the time I’m too lazy to write a 3-paragraph blog so I go for a 3-sentence FB post.  But since I luv Laura so much, I decided to break through my writer’s block & guest blog while she’s at Disney Hell World. *there’s liquor in Epcot*

Any life story later, back to the subject at hand. 

On April 2nd, I was sitting at my youngest daughter’s softball game, texting with my oldest daughter’s tennis coach about bringing snacks the next day. The last thing I remember was her 💬The next thing I knew, I was waking up from a damn good nap, on the ground, with a ton of strangers around me. 

I had a suspected “grand maul seizure”.  
In the ER

My parents (Hubs was home with our other 2) were flipping out, the umps stopped our game (thankfully the kids thought some little one just fell off the bleachers), Nurses & EMT parents were called over, the freaking ambulance even came. Praise the Lord, I didn’t “lose control of my bodily functions”  or they would’ve just had to “put me down”. 

Until recently, I’ve always been a very friendly, jovial, sarcastically witty, life of the party, upbeat person. (This effing seizure nonsense has given me depression & weight gain, on top of that. I should totally sue.)
My 16 yo chauffeur

So in the If You Give A Mouse A Cookie...fashion here’s my story!

If You Have a Seizure in Public

If you have a seizure in public, at the ballpark in Smalltown, Middle GA, 
   your phone will blow up with people checking on you.
When your phone starts to die,  
    you will become the talk of the town, if you weren’t before.
When you’re the talk of the town,
    you have to post a FB status update/picture from the ER. 
When you post a pic from the ER, 
     you have to keep posting medical updates, for like a month.
When you go to ER for a suspected seizure, 
     you have to get a half-a-million tons of tests run.
When all those tests come back perfect
     no one will believe you when you say you were just dehydrated.
When they don’t believe you were just dehydrated,
     they will send you to a neurologist.
When you go to the neurologist,
    you will figure out he’s a jackass he will order a million more tests.
When those million more tests come back perfectly, AGAIN,
    he will tell you that you still can’t drive! WTH?
When he tells you that you can’t drive for 140 more days & brags that he once made a patient lose his job & house for the same reasoning & refuses you any medical advice/medications.
    you may have to show your ass (not literally) & tell him that he “is awful
    human being and should not be able look at himself in the mirror in the 
    morning. Much less continue to practice medicine. And he better not charge 
    you another damn dime”.
When he doesn’t care that your Suburban is your second home or that you are a mom of 3, 
     you’ll become a shut-in at age 43.  
When you become a shut-in at 43,
     you may go bat shit stir crazy and spend all your husband’s money on 
     Amazon, Wayfair, At Home, Lowe’s & Ace Hardware.
When you are finished with all your households projects & your yard, pool area & back deck look amazing & you run out of Pinterest projects,
    you are forced to leave ugly reviews for Satan’s spawn Dr. Quan-Hong on 
    every type of social media available. 

So, If you’re going to have a “suspected seizure” don’t do it in public!!! Or go to the emergency room!!!
My get well soon signage
Laura
Laura

Hi there, I'm Laura, I'm the happiest wife, the loudest cheer mom, and the craziest girlfriend you'all ever have, I'm a Southern Belle living in a Southern world!

1 comment:

  1. So crazy how your life can change in a heartbeat. This has got to be frustrating for you, with no answers at all after so many tests. I had to laugh at finishing all the household projects and online shopping... I'm sure that's what I'd be doing too! ;) Hope things look up!

    Carrie
    curlycraftymom.com

    ReplyDelete