Wednesday, November 19, 2014

The Talk

Big Mama jinxed it for me.  She told us at Holidays Southern Style this past weekend that she had "the talk" with Caroline at age ten.  And if I'm not mistaken, she said she had the conversation at a Starbucks, but I might be wrong about that, so don't quote me.  But I remember the word, Starbucks, coming up sometime during her expounding.  And it was also during that expounding that I laughed and thought, yea, I still have a while {I mentioned earlier in the school year here that I had to have the talk with Alise about what happens monthly in female bodies}.

{I'm being vague in this post for a reason.}

So yea!  Back to, I had a while.

On Monday nights, Alise has tumbling so we normally grab fast food and study for upcoming tests after I pick her up.  But not this past Monday night.  Oh, no!  We sat in a Wendy's and had "the talk."

Not the whole talk - because I really wanted to crawl up under the table and DIE - but probably about 55.375% of the talk.

Our conversation started out with her talking about boys liking boys and girls liking girls because one of the male coaches at her gym is this way - or so she thinks.  I was asking questions along the way to try to find out just how much she knew.  Then I turned on my preaching mode and explained to her that what she just described was not God's plan for us.  Marriage is between one man and one woman.  Somehow the three letter word came up.  I think Alise spelled it out in the beginning, but after a while, she just asked me,"Can I just say it, Mama, instead of spelling it?"  She said something like, "Pastor Bill says that {the three letter word} is for married people." And I told her that's right, meanwhile thinking when did she ever listen to one of his sermons?  And of ALL sermons!!  I told her that the three letter word was something a married mom and dad did when they wanted to have a baby.

And let me just say right here, right now.  Open mouth, insert foot!


"Moma?  Have you ever had the three letter word?"

THAT'S when I wanted to crawl under the table!!  Right there!  In a greasy Wendy's restaurant.

So after hem-hawing around for a while and Alise pounding me with "tell me, tell me," I answered, "Well, if I hadn't, how do you think you got here?"  She just looked at me.  The light bulb went off. And then she made a face.

Next question:  Did you have your clothes on or off??

I quickly told her to get her stuff together and let's go!  We drove to tumbling with her pounding me with clothing on or off questions.

FINALLY, in the tumbling parking lot, I made a deal with her.  I told her that I would tell her that I would finish the rest of the story when she turned double digits.  At first, that wasn't going to work, but when she realized she wasn't going to get anymore out of me, she grabbed my phone to see what day of the week in 2015 that her birthday fell on.  We have a three letter word discussion scheduled on May 30, 2015!  And Mr. Horton will be included as well!!

One good thing I told her - God forgive me for lying, but it COULD be true - I told her everytime you had the three letter word, you got pregnant.  Let's see how long it takes her to figure that one out!  I'm only looking ahead, Peeps!  Only looking ahead.

But not for May 30th of next year!

So that all happened on Monday evening.  Tuesday morning, we get in the car to go to school and I'm turning in the parking lot and she says, "Remember, Mommie!"  I said, "Remember what?"  "You know!" she said, "Our talk!"  Oh my gosh, the child is not going to let me forget about it for another seven months!  I could just see my nine year old telling everyone in school that her mother's done the three letter word!!

You may be wondering why I didn't take the opportunity right then and there to explain things.  Well, I'm sorry but talking about that in a restaurant with other people around just isn't the way I had it played out in my mind. I fully intend to have a sit down talk with her soon, but last night just wasn't the night.  We were rushed for time and she was acting a little giddy so I don't know how seriously she would have taken the converstaion anyway.  There is a time and place for talks like this, don't you agree?


  1. Oh this is priceless! How about at the Chick Fil A? ROFL