Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Retired Husband

Wayne sent this email to me a few weeks ago and I really wanted to share it because it is SOOOO us!! We both just laughed and laughed over the email because we could just see us as this couple in -say, another 20 years! Enjoy!
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After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Clifton

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints againstyour husband, Mr. Clifton, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail from a jar of brown gravy on the floor leadingto the both the ladies and men's restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. {Delete this one. Sounded a little too crazy and totally not like Wayne.}

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave
me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

4 comments:

  1. Hilarious! I can see my husband and my daddy doing these things! I just copied that & sent a copy to both of them! I'm still laughing! Made my day!!

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  2. That is hysterical!

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  3. You have to email that to me!

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  4. LOL!!! I am a Target addict and Kevin just doesn't understand my addiction, but he supports it as long as he doesn't have to go with me!!! LOVE IT!

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