Thursday, August 20, 2009

My Dearest Alise

First and foremost, I love you.

For the past week, I’ve tried to figure out exactly why it is that I am having such a hard time with you beginning Prek-4 today. I’ve racked my brain trying to pinpoint the very thing that has me acting like a crazy woman one minute and a blubbering idiot the next.

It hit me Wednesday while we were eating lunch at Olive Garden. When you sat across the table from me for the first time ever instead of sitting beside me like you have always done for the past 4 years.

It’s called letting go.

And it’s something that your Mommie doesn’t do very well. Not in her spiritual life, not in her own personal life and certainly not with you, Baby Girl.

The first time I remember experiencing this same apprehension…this same nostalgia, if you will – was the first morning I dropped you off at daycare when I went back to work after my maternity leave. When I unfolded my arms around you and laid you in that baby bed for the first time, I was letting go. And all of a sudden, I had the most awful tugging at my heart strings. I didn’t want to let go of the first eight weeks of your life and I didn’t want to loose the sheer happiness that you had brought into mine.

I didn’t want to loose you.

I told the daycare worker, “I can’t do this. I just can’t do this. I can’t leave her.”

No matter how many times I left and came back, left and came back during those early days (to check on you), I still always had to leave. Staying wasn’t an option.

I’ve told you before, Sweet Girl, that ever since you were born, I feel like I’ve rushed your growing up. I’m always planning for the next big thing in your life. Always buying ahead for the next season…always thinking that you’ll be able to do some certain thing “next year.” I feel guilty for not having simply enjoyed your present more.

And now, today, as you begin Prek-4, those same feelings of “loosing” and “letting go” of the first four years of your life are there. I feel like I’m letting go of your “baby years,” but I’m also hoping that the “school years” are just as exciting and happy.

Alise, you are a very smart little girl and I just know you are going to love your teacher, Mrs. Leggett. She is everything that I wanted you to have in a teacher and I know she’ll love you, too. I’m so excited for you to begin your new school and meet new friends and I hope that this year is happier for you since you won’t have to wear “beautiforms” or go to “Mask” on Fridays. I am so happy that you are finally attending the school that Daddy and I wanted for you.

So please oblige me this morning if I decide to stay a little longer in your classroom than the other mothers do.

Hold my hand for just a few minutes more.

And don’t go running off to play in one of the centers and ignore me. After all, I am still your mother.

Please don’t whine and just let me take all the pictures I want; smile like you’re the one that’s happy.

And if I decide to kiss your cheeks with my tears, please don’t wipe them off.

Just indulge me for a few minutes.

After all, it will all be over soon.

Laura.Sign

11 comments:

  1. I'm going to cry! I feel the same way every single time I take my little boy to daycare. Part of me just wants to grab him and run out of there. And I too am always thinking ahead instead of enjoying the present. I'm glad you wrote this today:) I'm going tog o home and sit down with my little guy and just play instead of doing all those household things that I seem to think can't wait.

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  2. you need to print this out and put it in her baby book.

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  3. Oh Laura, what an eloquently written and heartfelt post!! I understand about trying not to rush things, I find myself doing that ALL the time!! Have a wonderful first day of PreK-4!

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  4. Oh how they tug at our heart strings!

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  5. You seriously brought tears to my eyes. What a BEAUTIFUL letter. My goodness. And thank you for reminding me to live in the present and not the future with my little guy. I am always planning away and like you I buy clothes way before the next season is to start, which I think I'll still continue to do (I just can't stop that). But you reminded me to breathe a little and enjoy the now and forget about the later.

    You tugged at another Mama's heart strings today : )

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  6. You are such a good mom! That was a very sweet letter...and I hope A's first day of school is GREAT!

    MISS YOU!

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  7. That is the sweetest letter and it is all so true. I know that when it is time for Carter to head off to Pre-school I will be feeling the same way you are right now. I am going to try to live in the moment more and enjoy those little things that I take for granted.

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  8. No matter what happens, she'll always be your little girl.

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  9. oh, that was so sweet.

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  10. I don't know how I missed this one, but I am sitting here crying as I read it. Alise is so blessed to have you for her Mom!

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  11. Oh, Laura, I need a hug! That was beautiful! I love how you look forward to each new chapter in your lives together. :) School will be a new and very fun time for you both! Letting go is hard to do, I think it must be harder with a daughter, but atleast as the girl the dinners will still be more at your house than at the husband's. HEE HEE!

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