Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Do My Pantyhose Really Help Me Eat Less?

Confession time.

A few weeks ago, I mentioned that I had bought some pantyhose at Walmart at the last minute. I said that I don’t normally buy pantyhose at Walmart – which is the truth. I wore those cheap suckers the next day and by 10:00 in the morning, they were down around my ankles. So much for holding anything up or in! Ugh! How embarrassing! And they were the itchiest things I had ever put on my body!

Normally, I buy panty hose at Victoria’s Secret. Okay. I said it. But it’s the only thing I buy in there. Unless you count the $50 bra I bought with my Christmas money…. but I digress. I just don’t go in there except for panty hose, and that still isn’t very often. All those barely-clad mannequins just freak this thirty-six year old body out! So it’s like I tip-toe over to the pantyhose case, get what I need, and BAM! I’m outta there! And let me just say this: a thirty-six-year-old-mother-of-one-carrying-a-pink-Victoria-Secret-bag around the mall, just isn’t sexy. Wait. I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings here. I meant, it doesn’t make me feel sexy, okay?

Undoubtedly, a few weeks ago, I bought the wrong style of VS hose. Notice I said “style.” There is a difference. You should have seen me huffin’ and puffin’ to get those suckers on yesterday morning! It was like tug-of-war, I tell you. And I was so glad that no one was around to see that battle! I was sweatin’ by the time I got those things on! I felt like I had been sucked up in a garden hose! A little nip and tuck didn’t have anything over on me! I actually looked in the mirror and nearly fell out in shock because I saw a faint – very faint – hourglass shape. Woo-hoo! I zipped up my little black skirt and off to hi-ho work I went.

By 10:00, I wanted to cuss the person that had ever invented panty hose! I was ready to come out of them or die trying! I asked a friend at lunch, “Do you think my legs are too white to take my hose off?” She just looked at me like I had lost my mind…which I HAD for not looking and buying the wrong style of panty hose! Who in their right mind would buy these things? It’s probably those skinny people who don’t have anything to worry about in the first place!! The same skinny people that can wear those get-up pieces the VS mannequins wear!!

I did not go to the bathroom the entire time I had those things on except once and that was when I was walking out the door for the day. I was scared I wouldn’t be able to get them back up! I swear I thought my speech all day was two octaves higher than it normally is.

But my point to all this – which is the title of my post – is that I was not hungry all day!! Can you believe that? I really did eat less. I think all my fat had been stifled into those hose, so my body was just feeding off my already existing fat cells. Makes sense.

Yeah, after I finally threw those hose in the trash can last night, my body was relieved to finally have a chance to expand back to its normal self. I could just hear my body saying, “Lady, don’t ev-ah do that to me again!”

And just in case someone wants to know why I buy my hose at VS, it’s because they last forever! Of course, not the pair I had on yesterday. But I hardly ever get runs. They are a little more expensive, but it’s worth it to me because I wear them so much to work. Just make sure you buy the right size and style. It’s all about style points!

Laura.Sign

15 comments:

  1. LOL, thanks for my daily laugh!!! This stay at home mom hasn't worn pantyhose in ages and after your post, now I know why,lol!!

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  2. Laura,

    SERIOUSLY, remind me to wear an extra-big Depends next time you post!!! ROFL!

    Shannon

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  3. LOL! That's funny! It sounds a lot like how I feel when I *squeeze* into a pair of Spanx I have! I hate trying to go to the potty in them...maybe we should throw on Depends with them?!!? LOL!

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  4. Hhmmm, maybe I should invest in some of those to help curb my appetite, except it would just make me repulsed because I am sure all of my fat would smoosh out the top of them and make me look like a cone of cotton candy. (anyone remember those) Yumm, cotton candy...

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  5. You know, when I was in college I weighed a lot more than I do now...that beer diet and all (what an oxymoron--really "beer diet"). My first year of teaching when I wasn't able to drink all that beer and actually had a real job (not waitressing-ha), I started trying to lose weight. I started drinking lots of water and wearing a girdle. There I said it. A girdle. Yes at 23. I ate so much less. I wore a girdle after each child and truly felt like it helped. Even now when I want to lose a few lbs I put that ol' girdle back on. It's like a mind trick or something.

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  6. You are so funny! I have had struggles with regular panty hose, so I can only imagine how much trouble to goods ones from Victoria Secret were giving you! Maybe I do need to get a pair for those days that I am really struggling the cravings!

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  7. I am laughing so hard right now in my office, people probably think I am crazy! That is so FUNNY! But now see, I don't even own any panty hoe, but I am a lover of SPANX. I wear them all the time. Life without SPANX--I can not even imagine!

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  8. Oh my Laura,

    How funny. You painted a perfect word picture.

    ~hippo hugs~

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  9. P.S. Here's a question from a Senior Citizen - What are spanx???

    ~hh~

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  10. Anonymous4:45 PM

    Hippochick: My best description of Spanx are footless super-dooper-ultra control top pantyhose/shaper to be worn under capris and skirts so no one can suspect the annoying rolls and dimples (if you kwim! LOL). They are GREAT...but kind of like impossible to get up or down (like glued on the thighs). ;) The spandex is durable and not as thin as a pantyhose. The young lady that designed these is enjoying the good life, I am sure ($$$$$).

    Shannon

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  11. Man, do I hate panty hose. I don't think I've worn them since sorority rush or, at the very least, my wedding!

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  12. You are a funny lady, I loved this post. And, I am so jealous that you have a VS, not that I would buy anything there either, but I still would love to go in and walk around.

    I was in one a couple of years ago, and I watched a lady empty a display table into her bag and leave. I mean empty, I told the clerk and she just shrugged. I could not believe it!! I must of been in a high theft area.

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  13. I'm going to buy some pantyhose today!! Thanks for making me laugh!

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  14. you're very entertaining, I love reading your posts :)

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  15. i think you may be on to something here!

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