Monday, January 19, 2009

I'm Not Cut Out To Be a SAHM!!!

**Update** I decided to use yesterday's post to link to Mama Loco for the day. It's as close as I could get on such short notice about being totally ticked off. However, it seems that I've been ticked off for a while - just call it PMS - in the last week, so see my other posts below for more "ticked-offness"!!

I realized about a million times today that I am just not cut out to be a SAHM. Sorry. No offense, but it ain't me.

Our schedule went something like this today:

6:00 AM- Wayne woke me up to tell me he was leaving for work. He was so nice and told me to stay in bed and sleep. Thank you, Lord.

7:00 AM - Alise wakes me up screaming that her panties are wet. Some "Good morning, Mommie." No, she did not wet her bed or her panties, but to say she has become totally obsessed with her panties being wet is an understatement!! We go thru about three pairs of panties a day because she swears her panties are wet all the time.

7:30 AM - "Kung Fu Panda" is playing - rather loudly - and we're eating breakfast. I'm debating about weather or not to go back to bed. Alise makes a mess on the floor with her white powdered donuts and I insist that she get the sweeper and "Get that mess up!"

8:00 AM - I'm in the shower with the door locked. Still debating about whether or not I want to go back to bed after I blow dry my hair.

8:15 AM - I'm blow drying my hair and Alise is under foot. My bathroom is too small for the both of us. I threaten that if she doesn't finish watching her movie, I'm going to turn it off. She starts crying because I have "hurt her feelings."

8:20 AM - I'm hugging Alise and apolojizing for "hurting her feelings." Far be it for me!

8:25 AM - We are in her room arguing about what she is going to wear today. She wants to change panties again and I won't let her. Again, tears. This time, I don't care. I tell her to get her hinny over to that bed and make it up. I finally let her wear what she wants to wear.

8:30 AM - We clean her room.

8:45 AM - I start the dishwasher. Alise asks for and recieves a snack.

9:00 AM - I've had all the animated movies I can stand! I set the timer on the microwave and tell her for the next hour it's "Mommie's turn" for the TV. I watch QVC for half an hour and then a local cooking show. Alise is driving me nuts the whole time. I'm telling her to go find something to do. She has to touch me in the recliner while I'm reading about the happy marriage of Dr. Phil in a magazine. By this time, my hour is shot because she is driving me crazy!

10:00 AM - Alise's turn for the TV. She chooses a "Bambi" movie. I go to our bedroom, turn on the TV and began making my bed and hanging clothes up that have been thrown across the rocking chair all weekend. She comes screaming in the bedroom that I'm mean because I won't watch a movie with her. Ugh! I finish in the bedroom and then watch "Bambi."

10:45 AM - I start my spaghetti sauce in the crock pot for supper tonight. Alise is yelling from the living room, "Mommie, do you like this show? Do you like "Bambi"? What's happening, Mommie? Why'd he do that?" I just growl.

11:15 AM - "Bambi" is still playing and I'm ready to take on the role of huntress and kill him myself. Alise won't get still. She's on the couch, on the floor, on the love seat, playing with the blinds, sitting beside me in the recliner. She wants me to help her practice writing her name but instead of tracing the lines I've made for her, she draws houses (which are pretty good, by the way) instead. I give up.

11:30 AM - Lunch time. I'm seriously considering jumping the diet ship for the rest of the day and snacking on a Ding-Dong. I need some chocolate...BAD!! I ask Alise what she wants for lunch and she says a hamburger. I tell her that I'm not driving to McDonald's. More tears. I suggest a picnic in the livingroom and the tears automatically stop. She says that she thinks that's a good idea. I'm so glad she agrees. She opts for a Kid's Cuisine meal and a juice box for lunch.

11:35 AM - Bambi commits DVD suicide and Alise exclaims, "I'm gonna watch it again!" I'm thinking to myself "Yipee!!"

12:00 PM - Finally. Half the day is over. I'm feasting on a WW entree. Alise is dancing around the living room and nearly knocks over her juice box.

12:30 PM - I lay down on the couch while Alise finishes watching "Bambi." I doze for maybe ten minutes until for the umpteenth time, the blinds flash open. Alise has not heeded my previous threats of a beating if she opens the blinds again. I jump off the couch and demand that she turn off the TV. I declare the rest of the afternoon as "No TV Afternoon." Music to my ears.

1:00 PM - I finish fixing my hair and put on my make up. Alise is changing clothes again in her room.

1:30 PM - We read books in the recliner and watch videos of the princesses at Disney on You Tube.

2:00 PM - We leave the house. It's a lot colder outside than I thought it was.

2:30 PM - We're at Dr. B's office for my eye appointment. The nurse is in love with Alise and her fancy-shmancy get-up she dressed herself in. Alise laughs when I can't read the letters. Neither can she! By the time Dr. B. comes in the office and starts my eye exam, Alise is dancing around the office and gets in the way so that I can't see the letters anyway. I secretly tell myself that she will never attend another doctor's visit with me again!

4:00 PM - We're waiting in Dr. D's office for Alise's ear check up. I threaten her with her life. She announces to the whole office while we are in the bathroom that she has pooped. "Shhhh!" I tell her! We go to church with these people!! Dr. D informs me that her buttons have not come out yet and that we may have to surgically remove them in March. Just what I wanted to hear!

5:10 PM - We're at Walmart buying panty hose for me to wear with my birthday outfit tomorrow. I don't normally buy panty hose at Walmart, but I was desperate. Alise takes a bra and puts it on her head and says, "Look Mommie!" I want to die. I decide to use the self check out lane and nearly start cussing at the machine. I should have known better!

5:30 PM - Alise's dance lesson. Gretchen agrees to let me video for a while. Alise and E start acting like fools, so I go out into the waiting area and have a descent adult conversation for a whole hour. Woo-hoo! L orders her family a pizza from her cell phone and I think that sounds so wonderful.

7:00 PM - Home. Wayne has the spaghetti boiling and it's time for supper.

I am so ready to go back to work tomorrow. I never thought I'd hear those words on my birthday!!


  1. LOL.... Sounds like you were living a day of my life... LOL I hope you have a stress free happy birthday!!! =)

  2. oy. Yeah, Im not cut out for it either.

  3. I feel for you! I always thought that I wanted to be a SAHM, but I really don't think I could handle it. Now I think it would be perfect to be a SAHM when Carter goes off to school so I could be one of those mom's that is always volunteering at the school, etc. Josh just doesn't understand that! Carter is big on the "You hurt my feelings" thing drives me crazy, because when he says it I didn't say anything that would cause his feelings to be hurt!

  4. Anonymous9:17 AM

    Oh, you are SO cracking me up!!! I totally agree, I'm not cut out to be a SAHM either, but here I am...LOL!!

  5. You are CRACKING ME UP!!! The part about Bambi committing DVD suicide is hysterical!

    At least you know what your limits are! :)