It all started this afternoon when I got an email from my boss to all her "directors and managers," wanting us to begin documenting and scheduling our time in a spreadsheet that she had "constructed." I didn't even finish reading the email because I thought, "You have GOT to be kidding me!" The idea is crazy! Then, "Little Miss CFO pet" came prancing into my office acting all sweet because she wanted something. So, I played her game and even though I can't stand her, I cooperated. Then, I get in my car and I have a note on it from "management" stating that the spot I have parked in is reserved for patients and that if I am an employee, I need to park in "employee" parking. I WAS LIVID!!! That's when I called my boss on the phone and preceeded to rant and rave! Management? I AM FREAKING MANAGEMENT!!!!! I was NOT parked in patient parking and if the fat butts in the business office can't get to work early enough to get "their" parking places, then that's their problem. Oh, my goodness, I couldn't control it today! God, forgive me. I know I was wrong.
I just want to be happy with my job. My heart's desire is for things to be the way they use to be. And before you say it, I know that is never going to happen. I can't describe to you--nor could I describe it to my boss yesterday--how different things are now. And all they have ever promised me is that "things are going to be so much better." I feel like I've been lied to. I find no satisfaction in my job now. And my whole attitude really stinks and I don't feel that it's my fault alone.
And then there is the guilt....guilt for acting like I've totally lost my mind! Which maybe I have. And wishing that I could just "pull myself together" and bare it. But I have nearly come to the point that I just simply can't do it anymore. I told Lisa (my boss) that it's time for me to make a change. She thought I was giving my resignation. She asked me, "Am I suppose to be taking this as your resignation?" I've even contemplated being a stay-at-home mom. But I know, deep in my heart, that I wouldn't be happy with that, either. Lisa said that she would be willing to work with me if I wanted to go part-time. But that's not what I want. I want my control back. I want my responsibility back. I want my communication and knowledge of what's going on at the hospital. I want to feel needed. I want to be someone's "right hand" again. I don't know any other way to describe it than that. I'm not looking for a title. And I'm not necessarily looking for more money. I just want my satisfaction back. I want to feel like what I do really matters. I miss my friends at the hospital. And another thing, I use to think North Monroe's food was bad?! St. Francis' food is ten time worse! The only thing they've got going for them right now is that they are getting a "Star Bucks" sometime in the near future....little bit of "budget trivia" for you Louisiana folks!
As for Alise, she was thrilled tonight that her daddy was home and standing out in the drive way waiting on her! She and her daddy went riding in her pink car to check out the dogs at Linda and Kenneth's, our neighbors. She loves to watch for the dogs. Wayne cooked supper and even cleaned up. He has to get up at 2:00 tomorrow morning to do the Jackson shuttle.
I can't remember if I told you or not, but we got Addison's birthday invitation in the mail on Monday. The brown and pink polka dot invitations were really cute! Wayne asked me earlier--because he knew I was in a bad mood--what we were doing this weekend. I told him we were going to Addison's party. Well, he wanted to go to Jackson for the weekend. I'm like, why do you always decide these things when we have plans? He wants to go over Friday afternoon when he gets off. I can't take off again.